I've been feeling pretty heavy the past week or two.
My mind desperately searching for an answer as to why I am feeling the way I am feeling.
Heightened energy in my Saturn Return?
Haven't been eating enough fruit?
Newly living with a partner and my SH*T can't hide anymore?
. . . All of the above?!
I went up to Ubud on a self-love retreat (conducted by me taking myself to various healers).
It was a powerful experience. Especially going to a local water temple where I bathed under 12 statues and asked for divine support in several areas of my life.
I had a kundalini awakening under the third fountain.
I felt euphoric afterwards.
But within an hour...
"Oh god... here we go again."
The energies had returned.
Ryan and I arrived at our favourite Ubudian vegan cafe.
All I could do was break down into tears as he holds me.
His masculine energy was searching for what might be wrong and how he can help me shift the deep suffering I am facing.
I kept saying "the mind is empty, I don't know what is wrong"... as I continued to weep.
We get back to Uluwatu... and I experience another two days of waking up and feeling a sense of not wanting to be here which sent me down a spiral of thinking I might be like this forever.
(A typical vagus nerve response, when we are "in it" we enter into an illusion that we have been "in it" forever, and we will remain "in it" forever).
And then yesterday.
Yet another cracking wide open, so that negatively charged energies could drain out of my system.
And all that was left is pure bliss... and love for everything that I am, and everything that this crazy world is.
I fully cracked, only after Life pushed me to my breaking point.
For me, this was getting stuck in town last night, with no shoes, no helmet, no nothing, in torrential rain.
I found myself asking WHY.
Why are you pushing me in every direction?
Why did my intuition tell me to leave the house now of all times, to be stuck at a mini-mart 20 minutes from home as the rains that are flooding the roads?
I felt like a victim. Victim energy is seductive but boy does it feel icky.
So after 30 minutes, I said F it, got on my scooter and drove very slowly towards my villa.
About 10 minutes in I heard a voice say
"don't resist, allow yourself to merge with the rain."
This was easier said than done due to the fierce pellets of rain slamming violently onto my face.
I felt the fear in my body as I couldn't see anything but headlights in the distance. I could hardly open my eyes to see the road ahead.
Okay. Merge. Merge. Merge.
And out I popped.
Crown opened and a thousand revolutionary insights dropped into my body, bringing Qi flooding through once more.
Another layer of the resistant ego-mind dissolved in an instant.
And then my sour face turned into tears of joy and bliss.
The dense energies I had been feeling were gone.
I felt nothing but complete relief as I let go of everything that no longer matters.
And realised just how much I was enjoying driving in the rain and getting soaking wet.
This is what an ego death is.
It's when we are holding onto anything that our false self deems important.
Life pushes us to the very edge, ensuring that whatever we do, we decide to LET GO of that thing.
That belief system.
Whatever it is you are pushed to let go of, it won't happen in a rose garden drinking champagne.
It'll happen when you are in your deepest darkest night.
Alone, crying in your bedroom.
Travelling, no money, no place to stay.
Breaking free of a relationship, no plans for the future.
It'll happen when you meet such a deep point of fear or anguish inside of yourself, that you completely pop out into a new frequency bandwidth.
Life will always push us to the places we don't want to go, because we are so loved.
Life does not want us to hold onto anything that will hold us back from our highest timeline and our fullest potential.